What is Your Relationship to your Feelings
A brief meditation on how they shape the way you see the world
Feelings are powerful things. If you are like me, then a set of feelings can, at times, feel so real—I can confuse those feelings with the whole of reality. But one’s subjective feelings cannot, by definition, describe or lay claim to the whole of reality.
Yet, we do not dismiss feelings. They are important. They are at least data points about how we are relating to ourselves and the world. But it is important to remember they ARE NOT EVERYTHING.
I say all of that to you today, because I am reminded of a lovely insight offered by Jesuit spiritual writer Anthony de Mello. In the book Awareness, he says,
“We see people and things not as they are, but as we are.”
Feelings are important. They are powerful things. But instead of assuming our feelings are descriptors about how things are in the world, de Mello reminds us that they shape the way we interpret the world and others. And that matters. (Sometimes we need to work on ourselves so that we can better understand others and the world!)
But even knowing that, it is still possible to feel blue, disconnected, and disenchanted with the world and our place in it. It is still possible to despair. What this teaching reminds us is that we should not make hasty judgments about others or the world due to our feelings. Feelings are data points, don’t forget. It is much more useful to become curious about the way we feel. Before making assumptions or conclusions about the world around you, ask:
-Why do I feel that way?
-Is there some fear that is at the root of this feeling?
-What if my feelings are incorrect?
-What does my feeling tell me about what is important to me?
Questions like those are helpful because they can help you learn more about the sources of your feelings. They are also helpful because they can change your relationship with your feelings.
What does it mean to change your relationship with your feelings?
Well, you no longer have to believe that your feelings are the measure of truth. You can separate yourself from your feelings too. Your feelings no longer need to be associated with your total identity—they are just interesting data points. They are clues to our interior world. They are important, but they can and need to be managed.
Perhaps all of this is in some measure a meditation on St. Paul’s teaching from 2 Corinthians 10:5, “…and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.” Certainly, taking thoughts captive also means we take feelings captive too.